7-16-97, 8:15 AM

I was standing at the filing cabinet filing papers. Kourtnee walked into her office. She sat at her desk. She didn’t say anything to me. Kourtnee was ignoring me. I had no idea why. I didn’t know what to do or how to act. Kourtnee had never acted that way with me before. She was acting pretty childish if you asked me. I stepped out of the office. I went and sat in the chair by Paula’s desk.

(Paula and LaDawnya)

Paula: What’s up?

LaDawnya: Is your girl mad at me or something?

Paula: What makes you think that?

LaDawnya: She hasn’t talk to me since we left the house.

Paula: Did you ask her if she was mad at you?

LaDawnya: No mame.

Paula: Why not?

LaDawnya: I don’t want her to snap my head off.

Paula: She isn’t going to snap your head off.

LaDawnya: I ain’t too sure. Is she PMSing or something?

Paula: I don’t know. I am her secretary, not her doctor.

I put my hand on my legs and rested my chin on my hands.

Paula: It’s not that bad.

LaDawnya: Nope, it’s worse.

I got up from the desk. I told Paula that I was going down to Colt’s office. I walked on the elevator.

I made it to Colt’s office. I walked into the doorway. There were three people in his office. I was about to walk out when the lady told Colt that I was standing in his door. Colt asked me to wait a minute. I ended up waiting close to 15 minutes for him. I waited because I didn’t want to go back up to Kourtnee’s office. Colt finally told me to come into his office. I sat down on the couch after I walked into his office.

(Colt and LaDawnya)

Colt: What’s going on? Why is your face so long?

LaDawnya: I think Kourtnee’s mad at me.

Colt: So, you came down here to gripe about your mother to me.

LaDawnya: She’s not my mother. I don’t have anyone else to gripe to.

Colt: I guess you are upset with her. You should be griping to your friends.

LaDawnya: I don’t have any! I had to leave them all when I came to live with Kourtnee!

Colt walked over to his door and closed it. He walked over to the couch and sat down beside me.

Colt: What happened between you two?

LaDawnya: I don’t know.

Colt: Did you do something?

LaDawnya: No. Nothing that I don’t normally do.

Colt: Well that could be a lot of things.

I looked at Colt. Tears were forming in my eyes.

Colt: I didn’t mean anything by that.

Colt hugged me. I laid my head on his shoulder.

Colt: One time Kourtnee was so made at me that she didn’t speak to me for three days.

LaDawnya: What did you do?

Colt: I said that she was a spoiled rich girl.

LaDawnya: Why did you say that?

Colt: She showed me a picture of a painting that she wanted to buy. The painting cost over $5,000.00. I told her that the money could be better spent. She got mad at me and said that I was just jealous. I called her a spoiled rich girl. She stomped out and didn’t speak to me for three days.

LaDawnya: Maybe she shouldn’t have spoken to you.

Colt: You would take her side. She didn’t need a $5,000.00 painting.

There was a knock on Colt’s door. Colt walked over to the door and opened it. It was his secretary. She whispered something to him. He walked to me and said, “I have to take a phone call. Don’t worry about it. If you want me to, I will talk to Kourtnee for you.” I said, “Naw, you don’t have to talk to her. It would probably just upset her even more.” Colt said, “Ok, I’ll check on you later to make sure that you are alright. Bye.” I said, “Bye.” I walked out of Colt’s office.

7-16-97, 8:30 AM

I did not intend to go back to Kourtnee’s office. I walked to the Shimmers office building. I was sitting in the lobby when I heard a voice page me to call Kourtnee’s office. I walked over to the guest phone in the lobby and called Kourtnee’s number. She answered the phone and then asked where I was. I told her that I was in the lobby. She told me to wait for her there. I hung up the phone.

Kourtnee had a Board Meeting at the Adams-Shields Foundation. We could walk to the foundation. It was in an office building a few blocks from the Shimmers complex. I waited for her. I sat waiting on her trying to figure out what I had done. I hadn’t done anything. The only thing I could think of was that I had on a t-shirt and a pair of warm-ups. If something that simple had upset her then she was stupider than she was acting. I heard Kourtnee call my name. I did not have a chance to finish my thought, which was good because I shouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

We walked out of the building. She didn’t say anything to me. I decided to ask her. I asked her why she was so quiet. I asked as sweetly as I could. I even managed smiled, despite the fact that I didn’t have a smile in me. She told me that she had a lot on her mind. That was all she said. I didn’t know what to think about that answer. I knew that it was probably true. With me walking into her life, and then bringing Colt into the picture, it was a lot to think about. To top it all off, I am allergic to the products that she manufactures and sells. I could stand a few hours of silence, since most of what was on her mind probably had to do with me.

We reached the Adams-Shields Foundation at 8:50 AM. Ms. Shields greeted the both of us. She looked at Kourtnee and asked me to wait outside for them. Ms. Shields took Kourtnee into her office. Five minutes later, they both came out of the office. All three of us headed to a conference room.

I honestly have no idea what went on in the board meeting. Kourtnee sat next to Ms. Shields. I sat on the other side of Ms. Shields. Kourtnee did not object to me not sitting next to her as I expected her to. When that happened, I lost all interest in the board meeting and hanging around with Kourtnee for that matter. I had decided that after the meeting, I was going to tell Kourtnee that I wanted to go home. I spent the majority of the meeting fighting back the urge to leave the room.

The meeting adjourned at 10:00. I quickly left the room. I went to the restroom. When I came out of the restroom, Ms. Shields’ secretary told me to wait in the lobby of the foundation for Kourtnee because she was in the office with Ms. Shields. I frowned and sat down in one of the chairs.

In Ms. Shields’ Office (Ms. Shields and Kourtnee)

Ms. Shields: Why are you moping around?

Kourtnee: I am not moping around.

Ms. Shields: If you are not moping around, why do you look like you are moping around?

Kourtnee: I don’t know.

Ms. Shields: Sit up like a lady.

Kourtnee: I don’t want to.

Ms. Shields: What is wrong with you?

Kourtnee: I have no idea what I am doing with LaDawnya.

Ms. Shields: Oh really. That’s what Donna said.

Kourtnee: Donna talked to you?

Ms. Shields: Yes, she did. She said that you were babying LaDawnya.

Kourtnee: Donna has a big mouth.

Ms. Shields: Donna didn’t think that you needed a child because you can’t take care of yourself.

Kourtnee: Maybe Donna was right.

Ms. Shields: You have got to be kidding. You have never agreed with anything negative Donna has said about you.

Kourtnee: This might be one time that Donna was right.

Ms. Shields: What happened with LaDawnya?

Kourtnee: She is always getting into something. She is always acting silly. She is jumping up and down on my furniture. She runs through the house. She hangs off the banister, even after I tell her not to.

Ms. Shields: She is a teenager.

Kourtnee: She did not act like this when I met her.

Ms. Shields: Are you thinking about doing something silly?

Kourtnee: No mame.

Ms. Shields: You yanked that child from her life, the people she knew as her family, and put her in the middle of a completely new world. You cannot expect that child to go back to what she knew before. She doesn’t have anyone left there. You are not thinking about doing that, are you?

Kourtnee: Mother, I would not do her like that.

Ms. Shields: Kourtnee DeShay.

Kourtnee: Mother, I am not thinking about doing anything. I have to go.

Ms. Shields: Kourtnee, do not walk out of here until I tell you to.

Kourtnee: Mother, I am an adult. I don’t have to ask your permission to leave a room.

Ms. Shields: Fine. Goodbye.

Kourtnee: I’m sorry, Mother.

Ms. Shields: Come here, Kourtnee.

Kourtnee walked over to her mother. Ms. Shields hugged her daughter. Kourtnee felt secure in her mother’s arms. She did not want to leave the safety of her mother’s arms to face the distress that was waiting for her outside. Ms. Shields let Kourtnee go.

Ms. Shields: Don’t worry, sweetie, things will get better.

Kourtnee: Yes mame.

Kourtnee left her mother’s office. Kourtnee had to figure out what to do about how she was feeling about LaDawnya. It wasn’t LaDawnya’s fault. Kourtnee had taken on the responsibility, so it was her job to handle it.

In the Lobby of the Adams-Shields Foundation

Kourtnee walked out of Ms. Shields’ office. I didn’t think Kourtnee was ever going to come out of that office. She walked over to me and told me to come on. I rose up from the chair, walked in front of her, and headed out the building. She caught up with me and asked why I was walking so fast. I told her that I didn’t know. She walked beside me. She was talking about the building that we passed by. I didn’t really care. In the middle of one of her sentences, I blurted out that I wanted to go home. She looked at me. She asked if I felt bad. I said that I didn’t. I just didn’t feel like being up at Shimmers anymore. She didn’t say anything for a few moments. She said something about not being able to leave just because I wanted to. I had to stay up there. I just cut my eyes at her. She stopped walking. I kept walking. She called my name several times. I ignored her. I did not stop walking until I reached the Shimmers’ complex.

7-16-97, 10:36 AM

I had nowhere to go. I was so frustrated. I was stuck in the middle of Kourtnee’s world and I had no way to escape. I walked to the entryway of the complex and sat at the fountain. I no idea what was going on. I just felt so alone and left out. I had no one that I could talk to. Before, whenever I had a problem, I talked to either Mrs. Johnson or Arlene. Mrs. Johnson was gone. Arlene wasn’t in my life anymore. I began to feel like God had left me all alone in the world with no one. How was I supposed to make it through this mess? If being with Kourtnee was supposed to be better for me, what was happening today was not a good indication. I decided to pray. I folded my hands in the praying position and closed my eyes.

“God, I need you right now. I don’t know what to do. I fell so alone. Everything is going crazy. Please help me make it through this. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I am here with all of these grown people. I am not grown. I know You know what’s best for me. Everything that happens in life is for a reason. Thank You for bringing Kourtnee into my life. We are going through with each other. I don’t know what I did or what I didn’t do. Only You know. Please give me strength. Thank You, Lord for Your many blessing. You are a wonderful God. I love You, Lord. I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. Amen.”

When I opened my eyes, Kourtnee was standing near me. She sat down beside me.

(Kourtnee and LaDawnya)

Kourtnee: Were you praying or were you sleeping?

LaDawnya: I was praying.

Kourtnee: Oh.

LaDawnya: Are you ready to go back into the building?

Kourtnee: Not right now.

LaDawnya: Ok.

We sat there on the bench by the fountain staring into space for the longest.

LaDawnya: Can I ask you something?

Kourtnee: Yes. What is it?

I paused for a long time.

Kourtnee: I thought you wanted to ask me something.

LaDawnya: I do, but I can’t think of how to ask you.

Kourtnee: Ok.

I paused for a few moments longer.

Kourtnee: Are you going to ask me something?

LaDawnya: I don’t know.

Kourtnee: Ok.

We were quiet for a while longer.

LaDawnya: Thank you becoming my foster mother.

Kourtnee: Your welcomed.

We were quiet some more. I bit my nail.

Kourtnee: Stop biting your nails.

LaDawnya: Yes, mame.

There was more silence.

Kourtnee: Did you think of that question that you wanted to ask me, yet?

LaDawnya: No mame.

Kourtnee: Ok. Can I ask you a question, then?

LaDawnya: Sure.

Kourtnee: Do you like living with me?

LaDawnya: Yes mame. Why did you ask me that?

Kourtnee: I don’t know.

LaDawnya: Ok. Do you like me living with you?

Kourtnee: Yes, sometimes.

LaDawnya: Sometimes?

Kourtnee: Sometimes it’s hard having a teenager in the house. I am not use to having anyone else in the house besides Mrs. Johnson and I.

LaDawnya: Oh.

I looked down at the ground.

Kourtnee: Don’t get sad on me. I like having you around the house.

She put her arm around my shoulder.

Kourtnee: It’s taking some adjusting getting use to another person in the house. Plus, I am use to dealing with adults all the time. I have to keep reminding myself that you are not an adult.

LaDawnya: Oh. Is that why you haven’t been talking to me this morning?

Kourtnee: A little. A lot has happened in the past three months. I wasn’t as ready for it as I thought it was. You didn’t come with an instruction booklet.

She removed her arm from my shoulders after she gave me a squeeze.

LaDawnya: You didn’t either.

Kourtnee: Funny.

LaDawnya: I know.

Kourtnee: I am having a hard time having to be around Colt so much. You might have to bear with me when it comes to him.

LaDawnya: Do you want me to stop hanging around with him?

Kourtnee: No, sweetie you don’t have to do that. That would be unfair to you and him.

LaDawnya: I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.

Kourtnee: I am the one with the problem with Colt. You don’t have to worry about that. You can see as much of Colt as you want to.

LaDawnya: I shouldn’t have said that I wanted Colt to be my daddy yesterday. I was just playing.

Kourtnee: I know you were joking.

LaDawnya: Do you still have a lot on your mind?

Kourtnee: Yes.

LaDawnya: Does any of it have to do with me?

Kourtnee: Yes, a couple of things.

LaDawnya: Oh.

Kourtnee: Are you ready to go back to the office?

LaDawnya: No, not yet.

Kourtnee: You are really goofing off.

LaDawnya: No, I’m not. I just want to go home.

Kourtnee: Well, we can’t go home, right now.

LaDawnya: I know.

Kourtnee: Ok. We still have about 45 minutes before we have to leave.

LaDawnya: Where are we going?

Kourtnee: We are going to lunch with a guy named Martin Nance. You will enjoy having lunch with him. He is very funny.

LaDawnya: What are you meeting with him for?

Kourtnee: Nothing in particular. He always invites me to lunch with him when he is in town.

LaDawnya: Does he like you, too?

Kourtnee: I doubt it. Why did you ask me that?

LaDawnya: No reason. I just asked.

Kourtnee: I thought you only wanted Colt to be your Daddy.

LaDawnya: I do. I just want to know about this guy so I will know what to tell Colt.

Kourtnee: Cute.

LaDawnya: Are you ever gonna get married?

Kourtnee: You ask a lot of questions. I don’t know whether I am going to get married. Does it make a difference?

LaDawnya: I guess not. I was just wondering.

Kourtnee: What makes you think that you are going to be around me that long?

I stared at her. She didn’t say anything. Was she thinking about not being my foster mother? I had assumed that she would eventually adopt me. I let my shoulders droop. I really wanted to go home now.

LaDawnya: I’m ready to go into the building.

Kourtnee: You didn’t answer my question.

I stood up.

LaDawnya: It’s a stupid question and I don’t want to answer it.

I left Kourtnee sitting at the fountain. I walked off. I had no idea where I was going.